It’s amazing how much time you have when you can’t sleep.

Sleepless nights puzzle me. You’re dead tired. But your brain doesn’t let you sleep. I’m not sure what kept me up. I suppose repressed stress.

Going crazy. Pushing harder and harder…yet I am still behind. If only I didn’t crash on the weekends. I suppose it’s understandable. I work hard…but I still am not Turing stuff in that I should. I know I bit a lot off. But I love everything I have to do… But the disappointment of not getting it done, I feel that my time isn’t as efficient as I know it should be. This drives me crazy. So I suppose a sleepless night do to all this stress. And tonight I will have to stay up late finishing another project. 0.0 I hope I can.

I feel so torn between so many pressures. I don’t really live for myself…but who does. I’m not hating where I am at. I accept it. It’s just a weird, tough, sucky situation. And Whats worse I seem to be in a drawing slump… worse than I’ve ever been. A phase I am sure but intensely frustrating all the same! And I want to board and do well at it. It’s what I want to get a job doing and the class I’m doing worst in is storyboarding class. SO FRUSTERATING! All because I am having trouble drawing.

So I will have to go to my teachers and apologize for being behind yet again.

On the plus side, and one of the reasons I am behind, is the fact that I have am near finished boarding my film. So close. Maybe I should just go finish now…nothing else to do. Hmmm… Good show.

It’s long but at least I have the shots figured out and I know what I want to do with it. All I know is I’m going to keep pressing forward like I am.

Man this semester has been the busiest couple months that I have ever experienced. At least once to twice a week I stay up all night plowing through my work. Of course I would get a bit more sleep if I didn’t allow my self to get so distracted during the day. Then 10 pm rolls around and I’m like “CRAPPP!!! Got to get that done!”

Frustrated with myself…yet understanding. Well at least currently… There are days when I can’t look at myself without feeling deep disappointment. Those days I crash and get behind… Not logical but present and true none the less.

The tough part is though I see people around a lot I am very much a hermit. And I don’t see a lot of my close friends too much… Well I do…But what I miss the most is those moments when we can dwell on God together and build ourselves up. … I feel very alone in that sense, something that I am sure most people don’t understand.

Really now I am quite emotionless. I feel emotion very rarely… When I do feel it just seems to betray me. To give me false hope or drag me down from getting things done. I wish I had the luxury to dwell in my feelings. A luxury I can’t seem to afford. Or perhaps I am just not doing it right…. Now I am sounding pessimistic. Sighs…
I guess this is just a season. I look forward to a season of understanding my feelings and being able to press on in a better way.

Well here’s to life ,which is in fact a wonderful thing. And despite it all I am glad God put me on this planet.

-RAzi