Razi's Sketch Rants

Crazy Week....

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 03:56:16 GMT

My Week:

So I just feel like Ranting about all thing things that are going on. So you all know as it relates. I’m not looking for pity just ranting.

So When did it start Ah yes…

So I visited my grandma and noticed the her cat was looking sickly so I offered to take care of her from now on. And I did it’s been a good week with the sweet little kitty. But she had been lethargic and making messes which I expected.

Friday I had a scare at work as the producer was thinking of scrapping us all and getting a new crew that works for less. But our director defended us by telling him that we would get even more behind schedule. Which it would! It made me mad that he felt we were disposable! But now he’s a nice guy again. Really its very surreal. Fortunately for me this is just a glorified summer job or I would have been more scared. The only reason I stay is because I’m good friends with all the people there and I will miss them.

Oh did I mention I had the last straw with the camero? Yes I had been borrowing cars for the past two weeks. But that night (Friday) I got a new car! Yea *dances around* Borrowed money from a numer of family members and ended up buying the $1750 95 Nissan Altima with cash down to 8 dollars in coins. The guy I got it from was nice.

On the one hand awesome to have a car that runs and looks nice on the other hand I was moody with dramas. But I went home pet the cat and was happy.

So Saturday I discovered a number of finatial red flags won’t even go into that.
I got three new keys for my car pulled out side of my house. Got out of the car was negligent because I was frustrated about other things at the time and the door closes and I always lock the door. All of my car keys were locked in! But fortunately God is good and the door didn’t close all the way and just by was a coat hanger bent already. So after a frustrating hour with the help of clever determination and a neighbor’s plier I got it open! Yeah!

So I stride proudly into the house. Pet my kitty and waste the rest of the day being stupid in a bad mood. And I started to notice the cat was doing worse…

Sunday church was awesome. Had the air conditioning on at full blast cause I could now. Came home decided to go hang at B&N with Kristy, we got there and she noticed a strange sound from my new car. And it was leaking coolant. So I pored more in and carefully drove back home. My dad came strait there from Whittier and I spent the rest of the evening poking at the car with him until he left at 11:30. Wasn’t the hose so we think it is the water pump, Then I spent the next two hours dealing with other red flags.

At this point I know that there was a serious problem with the cat. She was barely moving. So I found a cat specialist nearby and made plans to take her there when they open at 7 am. Kristia was nice enough to offer to get up early and come with me.

So we get up, the cats looking really bad we put her in a carriage and go. We get there right as they open the nurse there was stressing major cause three people weren’t there. She delt with the people before us and when she looked at my cat she was alarmed and put her strait on oxygen in back! So we sat there me and kristy. My stomach was in knots.
Other people came in it was interesting to see the other cat lovers here some stories very bitter sweet. Then another woman came in with a dying kitten all in tears. That cat was put on life support as well. We sat there in awkward silence after kristy went to get coffee.

The vet came rushing in at 8 after having made a house call. She looked after the kitten first cause she had and appointment. The nurse had me go into another room to wait to talk to the vet. After awhile the vet came in a said that there was nothing she could do. Kidney Failure among other things… I agreed that the only thing was to make a painless out for her. I called my grandma and told her. She took it rather well. My dad started ranting about the car and I asked him if we could talk about it later. Love him but the vet is right men don’t often understand emotions or try and avoid them…

So Kristy came back I signed the release. I was glad she was there… Calico was lying on the table barely conscious. I gave her a kiss crying. I petted her as the vet injected her so she would go to sleep first.
Then she euthanized her and she was gone…I was glad that I could be the last person she knew….
…..

….

Yeah Monday sucked. I went to the DMV after forcing my tears away then went to work at 11. I was not into it. I got my work to do and told them I need to deal with stuff so I went home. I got there I was so tired and I just lay on my bed… I tried to work but I really was not that productive. I dealt with more red lights.

Melinda came home and I told her and ochien about the cat. I wasn’t emotional at that point. But I was getting a lot of hugs that day that I had a hard time accepting…

Then we got to the fact that the gas was off. A mistake on melidas part but on us as well. 4th of july confused things. So I planned how we were going to get the fixed…
I cleaned all of the kitties stuff and put it in a big pile in the middle of the floor not knowing what to do with it after that….

The next day I was also slow at work. I ended up getting away with some of my not working on Monday because we had to do a lot of cleaning and posting up of stuff and such so I didn’t have to work that much…

That night I noticed my check finally went through and I hadn’t really eated much so me and Kristy went to eat a good meal at freshworks. I picked up some much needed groceries and we went back home.

We got out of the car and there was a cat nearby. I didn’t want to scare it so I was just going to walk to my house but Kristy ended up petting it so I thought ok…was still sad though…The cat was really sweet. I got up and started going back to my apartment. Kristy picked it up but it squirmed put of her arms and I looked back and the cat was following me! I said do you want food? And the cat caught up with me and came up to the apartment. She was all skittish but I fed her and she was ravenous. After she finished she wandered around the apartment all curious. She was pretty healthy and she had no collar. She ended up making herself comfortable. I took a cold shower (no gas) and got into bed. The calico woke me up in the middle of the night purring and kneeding. It was so sweet she slept beside me then went and slept with kristy. The sweetest cat!

I so I get up all tired and head out to work and there is another calico. I say hey are you hungry? And she rushes after me. I let her in and feed her. She is ravenous. She is obviously part of the same litter as Koshi (short for Koshimoyo meaning checkered) the first cat. They hiss and be angry but I have to go.

Kristy says later that they are getting along ok though. Today was sooooo long. Couldn’t concentrate so much stuff on my mind good and bad…
So I trade cars again so that he can take it to get fixed at a better place than is near myhouse. I get home get out of the car and my rinf fingure on my right hand gets jammed and I pull it out. Blood was streaming down my hand from a split in the nail! AHHH! Is I slip in and rinse it off right away. And bandage it with anti biotic. I hope It will heal alright. Sighs. Its hard for me to type now… I hope I can draw tomorrow…

Koshi is hiding under the bed Kyoko (the newer cat) is out. Apparently Koshi doesn’t like being around other cats.

I will see of people put up signs for them. But if not I will have to give Kyoko to a rescue and plus she is pregnant glad to help her but Two cats is too much. Koshi however has my love so I hope I can take care of her. We’ll see what happenes. Its all so crazy. They are both really pretty and sweet. Both calicos!

And the FFC site is back down… complications with transferring the domains…I just can’t take it anymore I can’t maintain it anymore…sighs…

So Yeah….man …right now both good feelings make me feel really neutral and blah…don’t know how to feel….

Along with all of this I have been in a transcendental crisis of sorts…don’t know what to think about it right now….Sighs…

So yeah…crazy…..

Early Morning Rant

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 15:39:06 GMT

It’s amazing how much time you have when you can’t sleep.

Sleepless nights puzzle me. You’re dead tired. But your brain doesn’t let you sleep. I’m not sure what kept me up. I suppose repressed stress.

Going crazy. Pushing harder and harder…yet I am still behind. If only I didn’t crash on the weekends. I suppose it’s understandable. I work hard…but I still am not Turing stuff in that I should. I know I bit a lot off. But I love everything I have to do… But the disappointment of not getting it done, I feel that my time isn’t as efficient as I know it should be. This drives me crazy. So I suppose a sleepless night do to all this stress. And tonight I will have to stay up late finishing another project. 0.0 I hope I can.

I feel so torn between so many pressures. I don’t really live for myself…but who does. I’m not hating where I am at. I accept it. It’s just a weird, tough, sucky situation. And Whats worse I seem to be in a drawing slump… worse than I’ve ever been. A phase I am sure but intensely frustrating all the same! And I want to board and do well at it. It’s what I want to get a job doing and the class I’m doing worst in is storyboarding class. SO FRUSTERATING! All because I am having trouble drawing.

So I will have to go to my teachers and apologize for being behind yet again.

On the plus side, and one of the reasons I am behind, is the fact that I have am near finished boarding my film. So close. Maybe I should just go finish now…nothing else to do. Hmmm… Good show.

It’s long but at least I have the shots figured out and I know what I want to do with it. All I know is I’m going to keep pressing forward like I am.

Man this semester has been the busiest couple months that I have ever experienced. At least once to twice a week I stay up all night plowing through my work. Of course I would get a bit more sleep if I didn’t allow my self to get so distracted during the day. Then 10 pm rolls around and I’m like “CRAPPP!!! Got to get that done!”

Frustrated with myself…yet understanding. Well at least currently… There are days when I can’t look at myself without feeling deep disappointment. Those days I crash and get behind… Not logical but present and true none the less.

The tough part is though I see people around a lot I am very much a hermit. And I don’t see a lot of my close friends too much… Well I do…But what I miss the most is those moments when we can dwell on God together and build ourselves up. … I feel very alone in that sense, something that I am sure most people don’t understand.

Really now I am quite emotionless. I feel emotion very rarely… When I do feel it just seems to betray me. To give me false hope or drag me down from getting things done. I wish I had the luxury to dwell in my feelings. A luxury I can’t seem to afford. Or perhaps I am just not doing it right…. Now I am sounding pessimistic. Sighs…
I guess this is just a season. I look forward to a season of understanding my feelings and being able to press on in a better way.

Well here’s to life ,which is in fact a wonderful thing. And despite it all I am glad God put me on this planet.

-RAzi

The Moon Rising

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 19:46:35 GMT

I was sitting on top of a small mountain. Either side of me was a decent drop. It was quite dark and quiet. The lights of the city sat behind the hills way ahead of me. Far off the timy lights of cars making their way up to the top of another one of these mountains. Perhapse some ritual. But it was totaly detached from my little spot.

I looked up and looked at all the stars wish at that point that I know the constelations. Though I knew none of the planets were out. Or the moon for that matter.

I was not too cold dispite the high winds around me. Ben, who was sitting to my back wasn't terrably cold either. And Vin who was at his side was benifiting from the arangement was doing well too.

The loud animation realtated chatter of Shawn, Mingkue an Jihun assured us that they were also just fine dispite their complaints of the cold. We all had blankets.

I saw a few fine shooting stars. Though my postion prevented me from seeing the ones the other saw which were aparently bright and slow. So I ended up turing around so we all were sitting in a line on the ridge.

Another one of the dim lights where appearing on another mountain top. I assumed it was just another car. Yet it got bigger and bigger fast then I realized that it was the moon rising with it's horns up. It happened fast and the stars again had their guardian.

This week has been great. All my classes are exactly what I need and all challanging and exciting. So I'm looking forward to do the work, Though it's hard.

So Last night I was in my cube attempting to be productive. But I ended up just getting distracted all day.

Then in the evening everyone including And alumi friend, Ben, were wanting to go to beach. I thought it was crazt considering it was at that point 11 pm. Then I got an insparation and I asked Ben if he knew anywhere up in the mountains.

Oooo Pretty picture

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 22:53:29 GMT

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 21:41:01 GMT

Ok so this year is by far the best birthday I’ve ever had. I was totally blown away by the love my friends showed me. ^-^

So I woke up at 9:30 to be greeted by Andrea who made me an IHOP style breakfast. Much yums. I spent the morning in the sun reading my bible. I still have a sunburn to prove it but it was worth it, such a nice day. I proceeded to spend my day talking to everyone on the phone. (minutes …heh)

I ate lunch with all my animation buddies in front of the Lodge. Simon made me blow out ghetto candles stuck in cookies (match stixs.)

After that I didn’t see many of my friends and I was wondering where they got too…heh. Simon asked if was cool if we all went for dinner at 10. So I sat anxiously through class waiting for it to end.

Then having invited Kristina to go with we went to hop into the van which to my surprise was decorated with balloons and streamers. =) The ride was indicated with those little party guns that shoot confetti.

We ended up at a 24 Korean restaurant called Hodori in LA. And most of my friends where there!

Along with tons of fun toys and things we had these awesome Action man Extreme hats.

And great Korean food:

Happy happy

Hey look REAL candles.

Smiles…

And then Jihuen The girl above put frosting all over my face and everyone was laughing at me. (all in the name of good fun though) Especially Simon. So I got him back.

Afterwards they took me to this really nice karaoke joint in k-town.

It was fun though I can’t sing….heh. Jihuen and Vin were really good as was Yohone. So much fun! I’ve never done it before.

We got back around 5 in the morning in time to see the sun start to rise.

THANK YOU ALL sooooo MUCH!
I Love YOU GUYS!

-RAzi

ps:
Click the FOx to see more images of the party:

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Lone Traveler - Blows

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 11:12:46 GMT

Lone Reached the top of the stairs and gazed at an old cabin that looked like it was comfortably inhabited. She stepped forward and almost with out realizing it caught sight of the old man sitting on the porch. He greeted her and asked her what brought her hear.

She said after a moment that she was lost. In response he gazed at her searchingly and said. “You’re going to the City of champions?”
“Yes…how..”
“Well you need to get going faster or you’ll never make it.”
“But I don’t know my way.”
“Only you can find your whole way but here..”
And he handed her a piece of a map torn but one that showed the immediate area.
“You better get going fast.”

He turned back to his reading ignoring her completely. She stepped back down the stairs in an awkward silence with an eye back on the man. She turned ahead and as she followed a new path away she heard. “I’ll see you next week.” She would have argued the nonsense but felt that that would be ok. And so she pointed her direction according to the map and went down the hill. With the man in the back of her mind.

The Map was clear but it seemed that the area didn’t quite match up. The traveler felt though, that she should try and follow it all the same. And soon she found a path and a few steps down it she could clearly hear voices again.

Through the trees leaving the path she just found she came across a group a people. The friends she had seen just the week before. She went with them down to a nearby down that was currently having an art show. The day was well gone before sleep started to creep up on her. And at that point she realized how far behind she must be. The man’s words ringing in her mind. “get going faster.” Leaving her friends with guilt ringing in her chest she hardly could sleep. She promised herself that she would do the best she could the next day.

It was a rainy morning when she woke up in the inn bed. The course she left the previous day was dim in her mind. She could hardly get up having been spoiled buy the soft bed. But after she came to her senses she was out quite quickly.

She stopped to eat breakfast and ended up talking with the locals. She shouldn’t have but she brought up the old man and was quickly told by one of them that he was crazy and would screw her over. For a moment she was tempted to believe him. And indeed she did get a weird vibe from the man. But a part of her was telling her that it was ok. So she resorted to sticking to the map.

And it led her well through the day. She made great time, partly driven by the desire to prove herself right. But soon she reached the edge of where the map showed and had to once again continue into the unknown.

Whak! A sideswipe and Lone finds herself thrown hard to the ground. Wind knocked out of her she looks up to see who it was. Her vision slightly blurred she sees the figures of a few people and hears the name Bala before receiving another blow.

-Razi

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Thu, 02 Mar 2006 04:10:08 GMT

Look at my fancy Hologram!

Pitty I can’t capture the 3d in a snap but you can kind of see what this hologram looks like.

The flash made it blue and I photoshoped the background blacker so it would stand out. But yeah this is pretty much what it looks like.

Only imagine that when you turn it around you can see the object floating in space perspective depth and all. Go holography.

9 sec shot with a laser onto a holographic plate.
The objects are different necklaces etc.

-Razi

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The Traveler - Haze and Fog

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 06:14:26 GMT

A deep haze descended around the traveler. She paused and strained her eyes to see the trees and the path she was following. Was it just now that it came or was it slowly creeping up on her. Deeper then lighter but still present is absorbed her sense of direction. It fogged her memory. And she found that every step she took was unsure. That She seemed to keep finding dead ends.

The path was no longer present. There was no path. And it occurred to her that she was in new land. A place that no one had treaded enough to create a clear way though. All the time there was the mist. Cold thick and ominous.

For along time she wandered in circles finding more and more desperation and confusion. Surely there must be away through this. Only maps drawn long ago. Almost irrelevant but hinting at which way to go. They must agree on something…They must all point the same way but all directions seemed irresolute. The Traveler sat down on the moss not even sure as what the time of day was. Wishing she had another to confer with.

Her mother’s words poked her mind. “When you are lost ask one question at a time and answer it one at a time. The point it to learn and to not foil any moment.

The traveler struggling to really embrace and apply that looked to her right and saw a long wooden stairway leading up to what she assumed to be some old cabin in the trees. She felt afraid and unsure but it seemed only fitting that she should go up there. Perhaps….swallowing her pride…she will find her direction if she talks the resident of this place.

With that, tentatively, she began scaling the steps. Creak after creak sent her stomach twisting.

Been feeling really lost and all I can do is take the next step.
-razi

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Happy Singles Awareness Day ^-^

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 01:00:04 GMT

To everyone I care about Happy Valentines Day!

You know who you are. =)

-Razi

Stralac - Lone Traveler 3

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 09:24:45 GMT

The Traveler awakes to flat white then it adjusts to the morning sun now high in the sky. She sits up in the tall grass and looks around. Trees stare silently at her having watched her all night, perhaps having protected her too. She wished that their might be another set of eyes but not so.

Even though she had slept in late she was still very tired. After washing her face in a spring she went the direction she was told to go. Sure enough a bit down the way she found a thin impression in the dirt leading off into the woods. But there besides it was another trail or perhaps she only sensed it was the way another went, In any case she felt it right to go down it knowing it might put her back a day.

It led to some stone steps then to a high place weathered and ruined yet full of memories. It could not be possible but it was Stralac. It seemed to follow her or she followed it. They were connected to it and so were many of her friends.

And there where her friends their two engaging in storytelling. She joined them. Nostalgia, memories, separate from her current flow yet not alone only smiles and clever berating.

She stayed there in this palace until nightfall reorganizing her things and repairing objects as well as preparing for future meetings, all the while engaging in many old and familiar stories that didn’t grow old. The evening was then much gone and most everyone had dispersed.

She packed up her things, bid the last friend fair well and got up to leave feeling the need to meet with some one. And it was SO! She had missed a meeting! She stepped down the ruins through a corridor and walking past many she didn’t recognize, and came upon a person she had been avoiding for quite sometime.

He was waiting for the person she really wanted to see. But in that moment it was to make amends with a present smile and a relaxed air. The girl came out of a room and was surprised to see her. The Traveler asked for forgiveness, awkward not ready to hand that over yet a hug honest and sweet. The Guy stood at a distance slipping back a bit. Quickly the traveler made a smooth goodbye to leave them alone. A necessary meeting. Was he afraid of her? She could not tell…

Lone made her way back through stralac and found her path in the moonlight. Remembering her comfort in the clearing she went back their and was quickly consumed by sleep determained to get going the next day.

-Razi

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Guidence - Lone Traveler 2

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 11:10:29 GMT

Trees shrouding their darkness on the traveler tripped her up a few times. For a moment it seemed that it was no longer day, such was the shadows. And in a harsh moment as is caught by a wave or falling awake the traveler was no longer sure she was on the path any more. Which way to turn?

Decisions awful decisions, then as she stepped forward she found a clearing and sat for a moment noticing that there was no clear path out of here. No she was clearly talking the path it just faded away not having been traveled much.

Then as she was sitting another person walked into the clearing. She should have been surprised but it was not so and that only fazed her afterwards. She asked him how she might get back on the path and with a gentle gesture he clearly indicated the way. She implored as to when he had first gone that way and he said a few years back he found it through trial and error.

As night was descending and the crickets and fireflies greeted twilight. He said goodbye and wandered off into a different direction. The Lone Traveler lay down, thinking of old friends ,with some anxiety, awaiting the next day to move on.

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The Lone Traveler

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 07:18:42 GMT

The cool evening Air presses in on the lone traveler. She leans on her walking stick and contemplates the path a head of her. Light could be seen. Green Grass and flowers. The sent of running water. it starts to rain. Rain like rain is felt on buring wounds. Stinging then cold and no more felt. Dirt running away in dainty strings on skin. Tired muscles sothed yet still anticipating the wieght again.

The path behind should be forgotten. It feels already a blur only remembered vistigialy and a throb of pain dull yet heavy.

The warmth of new possibilities is the travilers friend right now. Their steps are a chattering talk. The conversation ends at the down point of another hill when real voices can be heard.

The traveler calls out. Or so she thinks for her mind and mouth do not always get along. How ever it be the others are too far way to notice. Their path is heading in a different direction and they all have someone next to them. They have their path and she has hers.

The Traveler suddenly feels lonely again. She imagines someone at her side. But there is no one. Only Trees and shrubs, mist and air. Stopped dead in her tracks the voices fade away again.

Should she go after them? But the erdge is subsided with the knowledge that if she leaves her path even to get onto another she might not find it again...or she may not want to come back to it. But this is the only one that is going to the place she wants.

No one else seems to be going there. Perhapse there is someone far behind her on the path. she wonders who it was that has traveled this way before her. Maybe she will meet these people at the City?

The City...only a vauge feeling tells her about this place. Filled with spendor and great minds. People that she trusts will connect with her. She longs to finaly be there...this ofcourse is her ideal who knows what it will finally be. Be the Place is called the City of Champions.

The path turns up a head in a dark area. The warm sunlight fades away. yet it does not seem as dark as the caverneous void she just came out of...Even if it gets dark again and lonely she knew that the new staff that was given to her will a least give her something to lean on.

And so she steps into the shadows pressing ever forward towards what she still can not know. The only thing that matters though is that the Creator is somewhere near...near enough to remain in her soul. This is enough for her for now. She dissapeers beneth the trees.

- Razi

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Moving on...

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 07:06:29 GMT

Here I am sitting in my room back at home in Valencia.

I can’t wait until I can really start on my film. I’ll feel right when I am actually doing something productive…And I know what I need to do on it now. I have my vision back, and I will do whatever is necessary to get my vision completed even if it leads me down an obscure path…

I just got back from my Aunts funeral. It was sad of course but I got to be with my younger sister Lily as well as meet my eldest sister who has been hiding up in the back woods of New Hampshire my whole life and my other older sister Kim. I have three sisters and I hardly see them now …go figure. But despite the distance I feel closer to my family than most anyone else now.

Well I do have friends but save for a small few most of them seem to be fading away. It’s because I’m in school of course, but I makes me sad to have to travel off a separate path from so many cool people and now all I have is memories both fond and regretful. Sighs….But there is nothing I can do about that…

I really do feel like I’m on this weird separate path from everyone else’s. Seriously even here at school it always seems that everyone is over there doing something cool and I’m over here ding my own thing.

A current example it the big CA Annual art opening. Everyone hung their artwork yesterday while I was at the funeral, the second year in a row that I won’t be participating.

I walk on a path, many people traveling besides. Then ahead a fork in the road and there they go. I watch to my side as their forms and voices, happily conversing to each other, become faint and indistinguishable amongst the foliage and the trees then I pause and there is no sound but wind and trees and my own breathing.

At first I feel relieved but soon as I walk on loneliness sets in. I am used to it though. I think perhaps I could go back catch up with them and walk on their paths…

But no; deep down, even though I can’t yet see the destination nor comprehend how far it is, I know where I need to go and I know that some how the path I am on will take me there.

I know that even though I am lonely now my path will cross when I least expect with other travelers and for another moment I will be with them until another fork in the road.

So I step out wishing I had a companion but knowing for now I don’t and that I need to be ok with that.

So I move on.

+Razi+

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Wed, 04 Jan 2006 08:04:05 GMT

A page from my comic, or really just illustrated story.... T h e V o i d W a l k e r s ...
Decided to start it on a whim...We'll see where it goes..

View the comic here if you care to...

So I am so sick of life....Just everything. Something went click and even though it makes me anxious, I want it to stay click. I want so bad to change…to start on a new path. I hope this is the start. I’m just so sick of things as is. SICK sick sick… So now I am just enjoying the lazing around during break waiting for the looming second semester of film doom to be here. And it will be sooner than I think. And I will be remembering in a vague way sitting here thinking ahead…

I need water..0.0

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 03:44:10 GMT

Few Interesting things happened today lately...

On Saturday I ended up talking with my friend Andi. We were finally honest about some things and I don’t feel weird around her any more.
I did however feel like my life was very boring in comparison to hers though. I watched Lady hawk after that.

In respond to both I wanted to go climb a mountain. And I did after watching church online.
I climbed a mountain next to my school ended up walking 5.5 miles.
Bit sore today but I only feel it in the insertion of Gluteus Medias on the greater trocanter of both of my femurs. (anatomy class heh) =)
Of course when I got to the top and could see my school in the distance my cameras batteries went out. So the moment is all mine.
After that I went back home and have been more lazy than I would like.

I ended up seeing my old friend Jouzline “Bug”. Been more than three years and I get this call. She’s in my cube.
Talked to her a bit, save her hair, she hasn’t changed. I would like it if she got into the program…
Any who off to get my butt kicked by Genetics. Well not really…Oh and if any one cares I got a cool pic of me, the only one out there trust me.
0.0 From Halloween:

Cold Shoulders and Ice Dreams

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 21:25:38 GMT

Gawh!
I just ran back here. Don’t know why but I feel so anti social today. I was in animation history class and there are two guys in there that I feel really uncomfortable around. One guy well…bad history together the other always flirts with me. He’s a good guy but he has some mental things. I understand that social graces aren’t easy for him but still I feel so freaked out by him. Well actually if he was a female I wouldn’t feel the same way. It’s just because he’s a guy. I try and be nice but he grabs on to that like crazy. I don’t want to be mean but man I can’t stand it. So I just ran back to my room.

It’s been quite here. My room mate is away. If find myself online more than I would like. I’ve been dreaming like crazy too. Like this past night I dreamt that I was floating in space with a group of people. There was an ice planet that we landed sliding on. It was cold desolate and depressing. I don’t know why we were there. We walked into a huge ware house. Each levels floor was entirely ice. In the ice deep were different things, pumpkin in one case. We then realized that there were also bodies in the ice. These rooms were for different families to store there dead loved ones. One room we were in was immensely deep and the ice was defrosting. I feel into the water and climbed up the side of the wall onto a window seal. I realized I had to go back in to get across so I feel back in. I remember floating downward looking up at the floating ice chunks on the surface wondering what I would see if I turned and looked down. I realized that I couldn’t get out even if I did get back to the surface.

Yeah every night I’ve had these types of dreams. In another I shot a friend of mine on accident and while I was trying to pull the shell out of the gun appalled it exploded in my hand. I hardly ever dream this often, much less are they all themes the same. I think dreams say a lot about what’s going on in side but I haven’t a clue what these all mean. It’s not that I’m depressed though…Eh.

The one thing that is intensely on my mind is this year’s film. I think I’ll go work on it now…I should in any case…

.

Subject Spotted

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 21:17:19 GMT

Pic I just did of Kenny I'm going to try and color it at some point.

The weather grows fierce towards the end of a long day of searching. Finally there in the distance is what he had been looking for, the perfect subject. Pencil ready Kenny plans his attack.

I did this as an art trade with kenny. His piece of me is here: [link]

Put a whole sketchbook up!

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 22:41:02 GMT

If you want to see the sketchbook I just scanned and put up view it Here!

It's all there 100 some images, good and bad.

Settling in

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 06:14:59 GMT

So this Year is certainly different than last year. I feel like an Animator now.

I realized something about the character animation department. There are two groups within it. Freshmen and the Years, basically when you finish your first film you are fully accepted into the department. I noticed I can take any class and be around the higher years now. We’re on the same (post film-hell) level and I feel more comfortable around them.

I already know my film story. I have it in screenplay now and I’m itching to get it storyboarded. I’m ahead of the game and I want to keep it that way.

Man already classes are hard. It’s like WOE!

In traditional animation we are going to be learning the “Industry way” basically we’re given model sheets of a pre-existing character and we have to animate them doing certain things. I’m going to be working on Doppler the dog from treasure planet. I was down with it cause he’s and Anthro!

The other choice was Esma from Emperors New Grove.

Our teacher animated both so he’s teaching us how he learned. Smart I think.

A lot of other people took the lack of creative freedom really hard. I’m cool with it cause with only a few different characters to chose from we’ll all be on the same level. We can’t hide behind style and avoid acting. And we’re really going to be studying acting and only acting. I’m excited and ready for it.

I can’t say much about my other classes at this point because I either haven’t been to them or I haven’t got a good look at them. I expect though that they will all demand a lot and I will be stretched thin.

In terms of social stuff I am trying to like pick up the strings left over from last year. But with some people I am have great difficulty relating to anymore. It’s just awkward and stupid. It makes me sad that it is that way but It is what it is and I need to let go.

To quote the Travis, “Just get new friends.” I think this is a definite reality, So once I get totally settled in I’m going to try and get more ties or strengthen ties that were thin and new last year. We’ll see how that goes…

Guys…Yeah man I’m feeln’ the loneliness now. So many people are couples around me…Sometimes I feel that desperation to just feel special to someone. But everyone has those moments so I try not to dwell on them. As always I wish I could have someone but am here for my film and I must press onward towards that. Companion or no. [Heh I wish I had this logic all the time. Bleh]

I’m going to try and get pics of around here and the cube. So hopefully I’ll put them up sometime,

In short, things are going well. Good dorm room away from everything. Though it’s on the 4th floor and there is no elevator. My legs are killing me. I got good classes and a have a couple good friends here.

Chow to those who actually read this.

+Razi+

.

Colorado Memories

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 05:52:12 GMT

Thrown' up some pics I got my last visit:

Ah good times at the zoo...Lions rock man!

I think this pic ended up saying alot.

Lily can't help but pose in front of the Tea Box. This will soon be an obituary picture however. The place will be closing soon thanx to people disappreciation for fine teas. Pitty.

I feel this picture says a lot of truth about Travis. [no crude inference intended]

Some of the best times are when we are all just chilln'

Ah man best times I can remember as a kid. The wonderous computer of games. 0.0

I noticed fi does this alot...

I really liked this piece Emma and Fi did. (and Ru?). yeah cool

Sighs miss it all already.

...

Fitting in...

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 03:06:21 GMT

I just got through talking to my mom.

I saw a puppet show advertised in church and remembered back to when I was 9 and I was trying to get into the puppet ministry. That was the beginning of my life as the “black sheep.” I did not quite fit in then and still when I try and get into church now I still feel like the odd one out.

I told this to my mom and her response shocked me..though It really wasn’t out of place. She told me “well people see you as strange.” She made it clear that I need to dress better and act less weird. Yeah that hurt. But I shouldn’t have been so surprised.

All my life I’ve been trying to stream line my mask so that people see me as one of the group. But this past year I’ve taken it off because I realized it was wearing away at me. And behold my Christian friends etc. Are like. 0.0 What the heck. And though they were nice I could tell I was to much for them.

The result is my clinging to my non-Christian friends. I love them to death because the accept me for who I am. Well, to an extent. I can’t be two open about my beliefs.

I do have one person who is like me. Marie. I guess I should just call her more. And I created this place to find people like me. I guess I just need to get over my phone and “internet phobia.” 0.0

So here I am. I have to put on a happy Christian/prepy mask to get church/christian people to be my friends or I have to dumb down my beliefs to be with my other buds.

When my mom gave me her critique I was shocked because I guess I was confronted with my dilemma. To be “Christiany” (aka. normal) and be accepted by “God.” Or to be of the world and to be accepted for who I am.

To be honest this has been putting a kink in my walk with God. I’ve been discouraged with coming to God and believing in Jesus.

I don’t know what will happen this year but I’ve realized one thing. I can’t put the mask back on (at least not always). My mom told me that I need to get with God and obey him and act “normal.” At first I thought that I’ve been disobeying him all this time and that is why I am not doing that well. But he made me this way. And I have gotten strait with him the things that he told me to change. But my personality, my dress... I don’t think they are particularly “unholy.”
And I guess I’ll have to just deal with the loneliness at times. Because this is who I am and I can’t change that. If people don’t like it they’ll just have to deal with it.

Eh there you have it my rant...

.

Coming back to Colorado.

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 19:43:45 GMT

Hey Guys,

I am coming back to Colorado the 9th of august and will bet there for 3 weeks. YEAH!!!! And just so you guys know Travis will be back there too. Lots of fun and surprises Just like old times.

And Just so that you all feel Jealous I saw the Shuttle launch with my own two Eyes. The wonders of being in Florida.

Chow,
+Razi+

.

Recent Sketches

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 04:47:32 GMT

I have been drawing alot lately but mostly sketches. I ahve so many Ideas, tough I still feel some mental block. I guess I'll just have to keep pushing to get past it...

The first painting of Aiden. this is about a month old:

Most recent design after alot of redrawing:

Rexus my heroin in the VOid Walkers. to the right is an earlier design that I'm not going to totaly go with. The left is the most recent.

Hey look I've been playing with watercolors:

I did this when I was in colorado. It is one of the irigation things on the canals...

There is a great labrinth of houses under construction around here. I up and decided to go a wandering at night around them. I got lost a bit. It was cool and kinda creepy in that they all looked like deserted ruins. At least 2 square miles of this. And flordia type jungle in mingled with it and nicely cut long stretches of lawn and deserted parks. The hooting of owls and all maner of different creatres. No people at all and dimly lit street lamps. It was an interesting experence to say the least.

+Razi+

Tugger Jeep Première

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 05:02:09 GMT

There was a big movie première in down town celebration. I didn’t ever expect anything special to happen here  
 but a small animation company called Genesis Orlando is right here in town and they just Finnish their first CG film,  
 “Tugger, The Jeep who wanted to fly.”  tuggerjeep.com  
  It apparently is a bigger deal than I thought. I found out a lot of cool connections about it but I won’t say them here. </o:p>
 
In any case it was cool to be apart of what an independent company accomplished. I had hoped to work for them but they 
 didn’t need me. And that’ s fine.  I actually meet some of the artists A sour and awkward conversation. 
 I want to blame myself and I want to be mad at them. But neither is right. It’s just how it was.

Pics of the ordeal (and more photos ):

Everybodies waiting for it to start in Down Town Celebration:

The screen is up high on a crane. Smart Idea really...:

The celebration lasted all day. It was also sort of a 4th thing. 
During a performance these kids were having trouble with the volume. 
Man I can only imagin just how much hearing capability I've lost 
 sinse I was that age. Eh i though these kids were cute. 
 The best part about these things is the people you get to see.:

The show starts up with an intro from the creators. 
The Guy on the right is Jeffery Varab the president 
of Genesis orlando. He worked on mulan and other disney films.

And it starts!

This is part of the opening sequence. :

And some more part of the movie:

I actually ended up leaving half way. It already started late then they had some technical difficulties 
 that delayed it more. I had to get to work so I left. And well I have to admit the movie wasn’t holding 
 my attention very well anyway. It really seemed like a first movie and it was CG. But after having,  
 accomplished a movie myself I can appreciate their accomplishment. I’m glad I got to be apart of their beginning.
 
And after work me and mysister played with fireworks. MAn I love them!
 
 
 
Ah it's late yet again....sighs...
 
It surprises me how most of my time I am alone....but I'm ok with that now..
I guess I still miss my friends...But it seems so far away. sighs.... What can I do?
 
+RazI+

Sit with me Jesus

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 03:07:21 GMT

On the shelves lay ideas pilled up. A dim light glows in the center hanging loosely from the ceiling. It gives you a glimpse of creations not yet created. All my plans are here, waiting to receive life. The smell of dank dust hangs in the air siring with the perfumed aroma of possibilities.

There is so much possibility in this place yet I avoid it because there in the corner out of the single lights reach lays something I am afraid of. I do not want to avoid this room any longer, calling everything within evil just because one corner is tainted.

Come into this room. Sit with me. There is a round table in the center. I want you to be with me and bring more light into the room than my single bulb can supply. I want you do illuminate the dark cavity. I want you to help me deal with what is there.

Jesus please just sit with me.

“I know what is in there.”
“What must I do?”
“Burn it and free yourself.”

Then I am alone in the room. A chill runs down my spine. An echo, “Burn it.”
I pull out my lighter. The flick once again illuminates dark secrets. A smile flickers in my face as I see the paper catch a flame. It curls and falls away. With each image gone in ash I feel my heart become lighter.

Free yourself.

--------------

A number of things inspired this. First was the story of Gideon and how an angle came and sat in his back yard. God chooses to sit with you where you are because he cares about you.
The second inspiration is something I'm struggling with. I envisioned Jesus sit in the room where I keep this particular struggle.
Jesus isn't about rules. He's about being there on a personal level where you are to give you advice and comfort. But he will not do it for you.

-------

I pray while journaling. It may not be the ussualy thing to do but it's the best way for me to meditate. And I let my imagination sculpt the situation. And I ended up writing the story above. I did do it though I freed myself today by distroying what used to haunt my art. I was throwing it all out when I just needed to sort the good from the bad. I still have more to deal with but this is a great start.

----------

It made me sad when I showed my mom this painting. she didn't much care for it. But she was in a bad mood. Stressed over her Job. I've been away from her for a year and still nothing has changed. I talked to her some but I still need to forgive her for being to wrapped up in her problems to care.